Are you currently in a relationship? If so, how happy are you and your partner with the relationship? If you're not in an intimate relationship at the moment, how happy are you in general with your friendships and other relationships?
If your answer is not 'VERY HAPPY', I suspect that you may have some challenges expressing how you feel and what you want to those closest to you. The problem in many relationships is that we are not in touch with our own feelings in the first place or if we ARE in touch with our feelings, we judge them as unacceptable and so don't communicate them as clearly and directly as we could.
Here are a few tips to better listen to the messages of your feelings and to better communicate those messages with your significant people in your life:
I recommend you invite all your feelings to come forward so you can hear the important messages that those feelings are trying to tell you. If you're not used to openly expressing your feelings, then you can start by building your emotional literacy by asking yourself the following question whenever you have a feeling emerge:
'Which of the 5 categories of feelings does THIS specific feeling fit into?'
MAD – SAD – BAD - GLAD or AFRAID
Or, "is this feeling a combination of feelings from more than one category?"
After you find the right word to describe your feeling, ask yourself, "What is the message my feeling is telling me about what I need or want right now?"
Some examples of what your need or want might be:
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Physical needs food, exercise, air, touch, water, rest, warmth etc.
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Security needs safety from danger, protection, stability, limits, boundaries
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Interdependence needs community, family, affection, and trust
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Self-esteem and integrity needs: respect, appreciation, acknowledgement, achievement, responsibility, authenticity
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Personal fulfillment needs: freedom, self-direction, fun, play, celebration of accomplishments/ grieving losses
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Spiritual needs: Order, beauty, connection with earth/nature, harmony, inspiration
Next, after you identify what it is you're needing, ask yourself, "Do I need to change what I'm thinking or what I'm doing to get my need met?"
For example, did you need to shift your attitude to be gentler on yourself OR appreciate yourself more to get your need for acknowledgement met? OR...did you need to apologise OR hang up the phone to get your need for respect met?
Let's look at some common examples of the messages of feelings:
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The message of FEAR is 'Get Prepared'.
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The message of ANGER is 'Something is NOT right!' A value you hold has been violated. You need to protect or restore something.
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The message of GUILT is "I didn’t uphold my own standards or my image of myself. I need to either change my standards or change what I'm doing to come in line with my values."
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The message of SHAME is – "I'm angry at myself for violating my own standards or values. What do I need to put right?"
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The message of SADNESS is: "I have lost something. What do I need to let go of or what loss do I need to mourn?"
Once you've identified what it is you're feeling and what it is you want or need, then you will be better able to communicate clearly with your partner or friend. When a significant other has any challenging feelings come up in response to you expressing your own feelings and needs, always remember that his or her reaction is only an expression of his or her needs. If you can hear anger or hurt as merely an expression of an unmet need, then you will be less apt to take any emotional reaction personally.
You'll realise that others' feelings are merely signs of their own needs. If you can help them to get those needs met, then you can help them to find peace and happiness again. I applaud you in your quest for more conscious relationships. Your own happiness and the happiness of those closest to you will be greatly impacted by your efforts.
If you'd like any assistance with this process, I'm available for private communication coaching sessions or group workshops. Contact me directly to inquire on 525 4008 or sally@sallymabelle.com
Lots of Love...
Sally
