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Tuesday Inspiration - 20 October 2009
by Sally Mabelle
Summoning The Courage To Deal With Conflict Directly
 Have you ever had your mouth washed out with soap? I have. I remember when I was about eight years old – standing in the doorway to the kitchen – saying something to mom that she didn’t like. She grabbed my arm and marched me over to the sink and literally washed my mouth out with soap. My mother used to say “If you can’t say anything nice….don’t say anything at all”
OR if you don’t like something, you should not tell somebody but instead be polite and say ‘that’s Interesting’. Did anyone every say something like that to you? Have you ever held back speaking your truth for fear of the consequences? OR have you ever overreacted and blurted out your thoughts and feelings and later regretted it?
When we were young, many of us learned to express our feelings and deal with conflict in unhealthy, indirect ways. I learned that if I didn’t want to be threatened with “ the belt” or have my mouth washed out with soap, I had better express my anger in les direct ways – I learned to be sneaky. Once, when I was mad at mom, I hid her favourite necklace in a little pink and white striped porcelain jar in the bathroom…When I heard her yell out, “Where’s my necklace!” I secretly gloated. When she was nice to me again, I put it back.
So, what are your patterns of dealing with conflict? And what’s the big deal anyway? So, you are a bit indirect. So what? The big deal is there is a huge heavy cost to our unskilled ways of dealing with conflict and communication.
When we’re dishonest OR overeactive, we undermine a sense of our own integrity – we undermine a sense of trust in ourselves, and we undermine a sense of trust in our relationships. Bestselling author Stephen Covey, in his book ‘The 8th Habit’ , cites recent Poll of 23,000 employees , which found that only 15% of people felt they worked in a high-trust environment and only 17% felt their organization fostered open communication.
Bottom line: We have a worldwide epidemic in lack of trust and unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict and poor communication.We see countless examples of the prevalence of our unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict : from spouse abuse and child abuse to alcohol and drug abuse, school bullying, legal battles like in divorce ….and of course, the biggest conflict of all…WAR.
Speaking of War, have you ever heard of Victor Frankl Victor Frankl was a Prisoner of War who survived the Nazi concentration camp. Frankl noticed that some people survived the camps much better than others…although they were exposed to similar horrifying experiences. He noticed that what was different about the survivors, was their response to what happened. The external circumstances were the same for everyone, but the key to the survivors’ strength lay in their response…in their inner state. Frankl said ‘Between stimulus and response there is a space – In that space lies our power to choose our response. In that response lies our growth and freedom.”
So, how do we make the necessary changes to find that growth and freedom and deal with conflict more effectively?
One specific, simple thing you can do is STOP and PAUSE throughout the day whenever you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation and ask yourself "How does this make me feel?, What is my desired outcome? And how might the other person feel and what might be their desired outcome?" Even taking a moment to be aware of feelings and needs before communicating can help you be more effective and clear and direct.
Over the past 20 years, I have focused a lot on becoming better at dealing with conflict and communicating more authentically. After years of personal development courses, therapy, working through anorexia and bulimia and reading many books and listening to CDs, I think I’m a bit better at handling conflict now. Recently, I had the chance to test myself to see how well I could walk my talk. This past July, I visited my family in the states – I hadn’t been back for 2 years, and I went shopping with my mom. As I was looking at a rack of pants, my mom said to me “Oh Sally – you shouldn’t wear pants with that flat bottom of yours – we all look terrible in pants – you should really stick to skirts...and your new boyfriend’s a personal trainer” my mother continued, “can’t he do something about ‘that middle’ of yours?” As if all that wasn’t enough of a blow, she added, “And aren’t you uncomfortable when you run, honey? Have you ever considered breast reduction surgery?”
I felt that old feeling of shock – and went into a powerless, helpless, shamed little girl sort of moment…THEN, all my years of training kicked in. I stopped and paused and asked myself.. “How do I feel?” and “What do I need" and I gathered the courage to say to my mother, “Mom, when you made those comments just now about my body, I felt really hurt. I really want a sense of self-respect and self-esteem and being valued and appreciated and accepted just as I am. Please NEVER say those things to me again. And guess what? My Mom just listened and said "OK, I’ll never mention it again.” AND I didn’t get my mouth washed out with soap.
So, in summary, when you have a touchy situation come up, stop, pause, breathe, and ask yourself, 'How do I feel?' and 'What is my desired outcome?'. When you're able to slow down to hear the message of your emotions, you can then communicate that message and your underlying intentions to another thus creating a more authentic relationship and a much better outcome than having your mouth washed out with soap :-)
Wishing you love and courage...
Sally
About Sally Mabelle
 Sally Mabelle, 'the voice of leadership' specialist, is the President of the National Speakers Association of New Zealand (Auckland Branch) and a mentor for the YWCA's Future Leaders program. For the past 20 years, she has trained,coached, and spoken to organisations and individuals in the States and in the past four years in New Zealand. Her formal training includes a degree with honours in Rhetoric and Communication Studies as well as a Masters Degree in Education with professional work as an actress voice coach in the United States and New Zealand.
Mobile: 021 0222 8782
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