"If you can't say something nice,” my mother told me, ”don't say anything at all."She grabbed my arm and marched me to the sink to wash my mouth out with soap one time when I said something to her she didn’t like. I learned I had to express myself in less direct ways when I was angry. So, I got sneaky. Once, I hid her favourite necklace in a little jar in our bathroom. I secretly gloated when I heard her yell out when she couldn’t find it? “Where’s my necklace??!!” I asserted my anger indirectly through this little act of revenge. I put her necklace back in its place when my mother was nice to me again.
These kinds of patterns start at a young age. Our childhood conditioning affects us throughout our life unless we make deliberate efforts to change it.
Have you ever held back your feelings?
Have you ever held them in so long you felt terrible?
Have you ever talked about someone behind their back because you didn’t have the strength to talk to them directly?
Have you ever felt like no one was listening?
Have you ever overreacted then later regretted it?
If you’re like me and like most people, your answer is ‘yes’ to all those questions. Because many of us answered ‘yes’ to those questions, I believe Communication is one of the most important topics we could talk about. The quality of our communication profoundly affects the quality of our lives in many areas: our self-esteem, our relationships, our career success, and our own health and well-being, as well as the well-being of those around us.
Most people didn’t grow up with positive role models who demonstrated conscious, heartfelt communication – Now, as adults, we have the opportunity to admit our communication inadequacy, not out of shame, but out of the simple acknowledgement that we were not taught how to express ourselves well. We don’t blame our parents or teachers since they also were not taught how to express themselves well. But we can be the ones to break the chain of unhealthy communication.
Here’s a simple 5-step process you can use to speak up more clearly and directly without offending others as a start.
You can remember the process with memory-enhancing phrase or a mnemonic:
Beware or Feelings Will Really Rule!...BFWRR
B is for Behaviour
F is for Feeling
W is for Wants
R is for Request
R is for Results
Here’s an example of how to use this process:
Let’s say someone is interrupting you over and over again when you’re trying to get something done.
Step 1: B Notice the Behaviour that is triggering your uncomfortable feeling. Share your observation of that behaviour with the person. Make an objective statement – no evaluation added.
“I notice you’ve asked me several questions over the past few minutes.”
Step 2: F Express the Feeling that gets triggered in you in response to that behaviour:
For example, “When you are asking me the questions, I feel irritated” (no blame…just owning your feelings)
Step 3: W State your Want
For example, “I’m really wanting to get this report finished since my deadline is tonight, and I’m also wanting to answer your questions.
Step 4: R Make a specific Request
For example, “Will you sit down with me tonight at six so I can answer your questions then?”
Step 5: R Communicate the positive Result you anticipate if the person grants your request.
For example, “I can then give you my undivided attention as I’ll have finished my report then.”
By using this process, you are more apt to get a positive response and get your needs met than if you either
a…held in your anger and felt resentful or
b…blew up at the person in frustration.
Let’s look at the example when someone is not returning your phone calls.
Step 1: B - Behaviour - notice and acknowledge the behaviour of someone that is triggering you …this is FACT, not a judgment.
For Example: I notice you didn’t return my call
Step 2: F - Feeling –Notice and name your feeling and communicate that.
For example, When you didn’t return my call, I felt insecure and lonely.
Step 3: W - Want - Identify what you’re wanting express that to the other person
For Example: I really want a sense of connection and mutual support.
Step 4: R - Request - Make a request of the other person.
For example: Would you be willing to respond to my calls more quickly in the future?
Step 5: R - Result - Communicate the positive result you expect if the person grants your request. For example, ‘If you return my calls more quickly, I would feel more connected to you and more of a sense of teamwork and togetherness.
I encourage you to practice this 5-step process until it becomes second nature. It may feel awkward at first since you weren’t really taught this stuff at home or school, so be easy on yourself as you practice.
May you develop the courage to express your authentic self and create the kind of connection with others we all want. Why not consider yourself a leader in a movement towards more conscious communication. If we all practice more awareness when we communicate, we can all transform our world, bit by bit...one conversation at a time.
Here’s wishing you success with all your current and future relationships.
Lots of Love...
Sally
